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Posts tagged ‘2013’

How can talking about my feelings help me?

heads

Not long ago, I was saying that by the end of the year I will respond to the most frequent three questions I hear in my therapy office. About the first one („Why am I the one who has to change?”) I wrote quite recently.

Today we move on to the next one. Talking about one’s feelings – and how can it help?

I meet a lot of people saying:  I do not need to talk to a therapist. I can as well confess to a friend, s/he can give me good advice, and, moreover, I do not have to pay him/her for listening to me. What’s more, it’s easier for me to talk to a person I know. Is this correct? Yes and no.

It’s true that any close person can be a valuable resource in the therapeutic process. You meet your therapist one hour per week, whilst a close friend will accompany you for a longer period of time. I always encourage my clients* to discuss with their close ones some of the things we talk about in my office, if they consider it useful. In this way, they can benefit of an enlarged support in their effort of change.

However, this is not enough. What is the benefit to discuss with a therapist? What is the purpose of a weekly 50 minutes meeting to ask for a paid qualified support? What’s the use of talking?

Below are five of the benefits:

  1. Talking orders one’s mind. Thinking is like a playful child, always restless, always inconsistent. Similar to writing, talking forces the thought to become more disciplined, to get shape, to be firmly contoured. And, more importantly, to have a logic that lets all imperfections and all wounds be seen, as without this lucid look no healing is ever possible.
  2. Talking gets information from all the hide & seek places. I have witnessed many times small revelations such as: “Wait, it’s only now that, by saying this to you, I realize that actually…” and “It’s strange, I have never thought about this before!” Talking has the merit of making us more aware about our thoughts.
  3. The therapist is trained to identify dysfunctional thinking and reaction patterns. The therapist is not any kind of listener. Unlike a close friend, the therapist has ‘secret little boxes’, obtained throughout the long training years, in which life stories, frustrations, and failures lay carefully and exhibit their ties: weak, vulnerable, solid, dishonest, authentic…
  4. The therapist does not provide advice. S/he is a ‘benevolent mirror’ reflecting back, in a more distilled way, what she has captured from the client. Friends, colleagues or relatives give advices; they are sometimes experts on how we should be living our lives. Therapists refrain themselves from doing this. Who am I to take the arrogance to tell you how you should be living your life? The psychotherapist is like a trainer for an athlete: he can give him the water and the towel and will encourage him constantly, but he will never perform in his place. Some clients feel disappointed about it: what, I come here and you do not tell me what to do? What kind of a therapist are you? I am a therapist that trusts you to find the solution in yourself, with my help. I am a therapist that respects you enough as not to dictate how you should live your life.
  5. The therapist is bound by oath (similar to the Hippocrates’ oath for medical services) to keep full confidentiality on the things disclosed in her office. She provides full confidentiality for the souls that open up in her palm, hoping to heal themselves.

_________________________

*I will refer to the client-patient difference in another post.

Note. I do not think there is a picture that can better illustrate this post than Mind Essence’s own logo. It has been created in Brasil by a talented artist, Jonas Mateus and skillfully edited by Mihai Vasilescu (enhance-solutions.ro). The logo says: we are empathic, me and my client, we look the same direction and work together to solve the issues. However, we will always be different from each other and that is a good thing because, when therapy ends, the client continues his life journey. It is a good thing because the therapist cannot live all the existences of the people that share their lives with him.

Femeile diminutiveaza, barbatii sexualizeaza

Facebook nu e doar un loc de citit multe lucruri interesante. Sau haioase. Sau de pus pe ganduri. Sau de umplut albume cu poze cu pisici, cani de cafea din toate pozitiile sau close-up-uri pe farfurii cu mancare.

Stiintele sociale au intrat din plin in era stiintifica. Prin platforme ca Facebook si Twitter, utilizate cu regularitate de mai mult de o septime din populatia globului, se poate urmari corelatia dintre influenta alternantei zi-noapte si a anotimpurilor asupra starii noastre de spirit, modul in care vor evolua actiunile la bursa si gradul de fericire a oamenilor in timp. Cuvintele folosite pentru a cauta pe Google ajuta la detectarea timpurie a epidemiilor de gripa, iar digitalizarea cartilor permite urmarirea cantitativa a tendintelor culturale de-a lungul anilor.
Pentru a gasi un sens in volumul masiv de date existente, colaborarea intre ligvistica computationala si stiintele sociale e doar una dintre multele posibile.
Aastazi, va povestesc despre o inventie deosebita, care reuseste sa descrie intr-un mod unic similaritatile si diferentele dintre oameni in functie de modul in care se exprima liber pe Facebook. Big Data intalneste psihologia.

Asadar, Facebook nu e doar despre pisici si check-in-uri. Facebook e si o chestie serioasa, pretabila la un studiu stiintific despre limbaj si personalitate, la care au participat 75,000 de voluntari. Pana in acest moment, este cel mai mare studiu asupra limbajului si personalitatii care a fost realizat vreodata, ale carui rezultate au fost recent publicate aici.

Cu ajutorul unei aplicatii, participantii la studiu au dat cercetatorilor acces la status update-uri, dupa ce in prealabil au completat un chestionar standard de personalitate.

Cercetatorii au analizat 700 de milioane de cuvinte, fraze si subiecte colectate din statusurile si mesajele voluntarilor si au descoperit variatii importante in limbaj in functie de personalitate, sex si varsta.

Dintre concluzii:
– persoanele nevrotice folosesc cuvintele „mi-e sila de” si „deprimat” mai mult decat alte persoane;
– persoanele care fac sport sunt mai stabile emotional decat cele care nu;
– barbatii folosesc intr-o masura mult mai mare decat femeile pronumele posesiv „al meu”, „a mea”, chiar si atunci cand se refera la partenera lor.
– si multe, multe altele.

Iata si cateva diferente din femei si barbati, in ‘nori de cuvinte’:

FEMEI (click sa vedeti mai bine):

female

BARBATI (click sa vedeti mai bine):

male

E clar, deci, ca, vrem-nu vrem, cuvintele ne tradeaza felul, genul, persoana si persona. Si cum cuvantul a fost mai intai gand si apoi va deveni fapta..ei?

Cum a fost la Daniel Goleman

„Domnule Goleman, cand ati fost neinteligent emotional?”, vine o-ntrebare din public.
„Trebuie s-o intrebati pe nevasta-mea!”

Nu, n-ati prea inteles, zic eu. Cred ca intrebarea voia sa spuna ceva de genul: dincolo de toate aceste principii, acest zen ireal, acest pozitivism cu aroma de branza, cand ati fost om, cand v-ati chinuit cu propriile egoisme, cu propriii nervi, cu propria umanitate?

Stilurile de leadership. Emisfera stanga, emisfera dreapta si stresul. Neuronii-oglinda. Constientza de sine, stapanirea de sine, constienta de ceilalti, stapanirea relatiilor cu ei. Si totusi, in amalgamul de lucruri ultrastiute si mega-reciclate, au aparut, din cand in cand, si mici perle. A fost nevoie sa le spal cu multa apa ca sa pot sa scot malul de pe ele:

„De obicei, oamenii mai puternici nu sunt atenti la oameni mai putin puternici decat ei.”

„Cand esti in criza de timp, opreste-te!”

„Sunt trei momente / stari in care e cel mai probabil ca mintea umana s-o ia la plimbare:
– cand esti la serviciu;
– cand stai in fata computerului;
– cand lucrezi.”

„Toata lumea se supara; dar cat timp stai suparat – lucrul asta face toata diferenta!”

„Domnule Goleman, sunt femeile mai inteligente emotional decat barbatii?
Raspunsul meu este foarte clar: si da, si nu.”

A spus raspicat: il admir pe Paul Polman pentru ca a afirmat ca jumatate din materia prima pe care se bazeaza produsele Unilever vor veni de la ferme mici, private. Apoi: il admira pe Dalai Lama, pentru curajul si amploarea spirituala de care da dovada. Nu-l mai admira pe Obama, pentru ca a luat Nobelul pentru Pace, apoi a pornit razboiul. Sa le luam pe rand: si eu il admir pe Paul Polman, dar pentru alte viziuni si feluri de curaj (un exemplu aici). Dalai Lama – come on, e in fisa postului, nu? Obama: e, totusi, un presedinte american, aveai alte asteptari?

Participantii au fost un amestec pestrit de organizatii obscure crestine si corporatii in cautarea iluminarii. In afara de oameni normali, frumosi, destepti si de bine de la Vodafone si Hochland si Cosmin Alexandru, cu a sa intrebare cross-culturala, nu am vazut pe nimeni. Mi-a parut rau pentru Raiffeisen Premium Banking; nu au avut nici o vina, insa evenimentul nu a fost de talia lor. 

In afara de vorbitor, mi-au atras atentia: o fata cu parul jumatate violet-jumatate-verde, o doamna in carut cu rotile, o alta cu piciorul in gips, un tip care scapa cate ceva pe jos cu zgomot la fiecare sfert de ceas, o fata imbracata foarte sic, cu palarie, bretele, pantaloni business si pantofi cu toc si expozitia delicioasa de fotografie alb-negru, pe care am putut-o admira in voie in timpul lungului pelerinaj de o jumatate de ora intre sala de conferinta si sala de mese. 

In concluzie: nu ma mai duc la nici o conferinta peste 100 de participanti (noi am fost 1000!), la Casa Poporului, organizata de o firma mica cu pretentii de eleganta, manifestari de karateka si glasswalker ale purtatorului ei de imagine. De asemenea, nu ma mai duc sa ascult oameni-guru in viata, oameni care au ouat acum 30 de ani oul de aur si acum il fierb la foc mic si-l rascoc pentru o poala de bani ori-pe-unde-sunt-invitati.

O mostra de Goleman care nu costa nimic, nu produce stres si spune cam aceleasi lucruri:

Imi dau seama ca postul asta e flagrant incorect politic. Nu stiu daca sa-mi para rau. Asa am simtit. Asa a fost acolo.

Nor de etichete

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